Now it begins

It's been one month today.

When it happened, I said I'd give myself a month get my bearings. A month to think things out. A month to figure out the answer I need, the answer to the everpresent question.

So, what happens now?

I still hear her voice. I still see her out of the corner of my eye. I still feel her thoughts around me, and I still shape my thoughts around what she would say.

Maybe I'm in denial. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. Maybe I should just acknowledge this empty place she left in my life.

Maybe I should just shut the hell up and get on with things.

Some things really bother me. I've only had one dream of her, and she only appeared in an incidental way. I want to see her again, even if she vanishes when I awaken. I've not changed her web site. I know her clients must be wondering what has happened. I can't bear to break their hearts, although I know I soon must do just that.

I, I, I. It seems everything I write is about me. I feel selfish (there I go again.) That's something to be aware of. She deserves to be first, for al the years when I was first in her life. And even when I was second or third, it wasn't by much.

It does seem that I'm adjusting. I smile and joke a lot, as I always have. I can hear "Here Comes The Sun," and not get blubbery. I don't flinch so much when I drive past the Deaconess emergency room. There were a lot fewer tears than I expected as I watched the beginning of the new basketball season -- by the way, I didn't get the feeling I was alone.

There are things I'm thankful for. I'm glad she did not suffer. I'm glad that the night before she died, I had told her exactly how much she meant to me, as a friend and a companon, in addition to my love for her. Although I'm not sure, I believe the last thing I said to her was "I love you." I'm glad that whenever I cry, I realize how she would have hated that, and I'm able to stop.

The telephone doesn't ring much these days. People don't call without a reason. Not that I expect them to. Probably no one knows what to say. I know I surely wouldn't know what words could bring comfort. They're on my side; I know that. I've had so many expressions of kindness and sympathy. Everyone says to call if I need anything. Maybe I will, but I work late, and the time I need an ear is usually in the hours before dawn. Sort of an awkward time for a chat.

So I'll vent here, or cry here, or hopefully, celebrate here. I hope you'll stop by once in a while, and perhaps leave a comment. Life 4.0 is so uncertain... and sort of barren at the moment.