So Tosca made me cry. So what?

I try not to worry about problems before they happen. But there's no way to deny that this is going to be a tough week for me. Triple whammy... my mother's birthday, Roxanne's birthday, and Christmas. And while I'm writing this post, "Tosca" comes on for the third time in the past few days. And for the third time, that nixes my goal of not crying (see 'weak moments update' in the next paragraph). So for anyone to whom I'm distant or distracted this week, I apologize. I guess I'd be more worried if I weren't affected.

First, the weak moments update: Facebook fans and Twitter followers may have seen a post about this last week. I came home the other night, and caught the end of "Tosca." (I'm a serious opera fan. It's total immersion, total passion, and the good guys don't always win.) As always, when the condemned Mario says "Never have I loved life more," I absolutely lost it. But I knew that was coming. It always does. You can blame a band director from my high school days. He was a big Puccini fan. And thanks to the people who wrote to ask if I was okay after that. It's good to know you're looking out for me.

Music always gets me. I can be plugging along just fine; then, out of the blue, I hear Lucinda Willams singing "Are You Alright?" and I lose it for a long minute.

I'm progressing well. I've not fallen into the 'no reason to get out of bed today' trap. Day to day, I keep going, and not just because I have no other option. My reasoning seems to be sound, except that it's been so long since I thought of only myself, there's a lot of catching up to be done.

My mind seems to have reset to a long ago place. I no longer have to weigh the concern of another person into my decisions. It's as if I'm thinking in terms of the last time I was in this position... namely before Roxanne and I started to get involved. My mind has reverted to 1977. This would be comical if I'd just quit taking things so seriously. Really. The idea that my brain thinks I'm ready to become a member of the Dharma Initiative makes me smile.

So add a couple of more things to the "must do at all times" file. Must remember that I am not 21 years old, and to act in accordance with this realization. Allow me one self-pitying observation: I really get screwed on this one. I'm left with the physical effects of aging, and without the mental and emotional experience to know to temper my instincts. It's the worst of both worlds.

Or maybe God knows more than I do, and he's metaphorically throwing me into the fray. Time to sink or swim.