Pale Colors, And A New Old Friend

Today, we welcome a new cast member to the ongoing saga of LIFE 4.0.

Whoa. Let's not get ahead of things. I hope one of these days, I'll be able to make an "I Kissed A Girl" post, but not yet. It's not that kind of thing.

The weeks since Roxanne's death continue to march on -- just over nine months now -- I've become used to holding my head high. There's a lot of that "power of positive thinking" vibe, along with a heathly serving of chutzpah, mixed by the expert hand of an old-school bullshit artist. Our online WABX community, our listeners, they're wonderful. I have had so many calls and messages of condolence and inspiration, many from people I don't know at all, folks who just want to lend a kind thought.

It's pulled me through. I seldom have a tear-free day, but I tell myself that's normal. It's a sad truth that if I ever do reach that point where I'm totally at peace, I'll feel I've lost a big chunk of my soul.

But I laugh and smile more than I have. I continue to learn new things. I feel a wider range of emotions. It's good to know that the real world is still out there. It hasn't stopped just for me, so I need a running start to jump back on. I'm happy that I've found I can accept help without compromising my strength.

That's where my friend comes in. If you know me, you know of whom I speak.

In a lifetime, people only make a small number of good friends. I'm happy and lucky to count her among them. Quick backstory: we've know each other about ten years, dated for a short while when Roxanne and I were going through one of our separations, then decided we worked a lot better as friends. People are often skeptical of the idea that former lovers can be content to be friends. It could be that once upon a time we also believed that, and so we backed away from each other. For what ever reasons that's how it went for a while. At the same time that Roxanne and I were patching our relationship together, my friend met the love of her life and they began carving their story. As the demands of life came calling, we didn't see each other very often... a chance meeting here and there, a phone call a couple of times a year.

Several weeks ago, she called me just to say hi. Since that time, I've been leaning on her quite a bit. It's nice to catch up, as her life has taken many turns in the last year or two. It's nice to have someone to spend time with. When your work day ends at 12 or 1 in the morning, and you don't want to drink, there's not much to do socially. One of the first posts I made on LIFE 4.0 was about the empty place I found myself when I came home to an empty house, night after night. It's less empty now. I have her to thank. In my heart, I know Rox understands. To quote Tom Petty, it's good to find a friend.

I 've been twiddling with some medical things, too. mostly because I slid into an "I'll deal with this later; I'm too busy right now" attitude for a while. As I've mentioned repeatedly, I have trouble remembering that I am not 21 years old. A 21-year-old can put health concerns aside until a more convenient time. I can't. She reminds me of that, damn her. Though her attitude and Roxanne's are worlds apart in many ways, they share that irritating self-righteous "I'm right and you know it" gene. She brings perspective. She's seen me in good times and bad, so she knows what to expect from me. She also knows when to call "bullshit" on me if I say that something is unrealistic or beyond my capability.

And yet, for all my gratitude that I have rediscovered my friend, there's so much that goes unsaid between us. Our companionship -- and the time it takes -- does not make it easier for her to raise her family. Nor does it make me miss Roxanne less.

We each understand things about each other. She knows when I withdraw without explanation, it's because my heart warns me that I border on betrayal. She know there are times, many times every day, when I fell Roxanne's presence and feel comfort it in a way I can never recieve from her. I know that for her life to make sense, she can never put me atop her priorities, nor second, third, or fourth. I know that if her husband and family ever objected to the time we spend together, she would be gone in a flash, sad, but resolved that she was doing the right thing.

We try not to consider the obvious truths. I don't want to think about the fact that there is an emotional barrier which she will never cross, no matter how much I may lean on her. And she tries not to dwell on the fact that that however important we are to each other, the joy I find in life is still only a pale fragment of what it once was.

When you do life right -- and whatever many things we fucked up, Roxanne and I did it right -- love and time form a bond that becomes unbreakable, even in death. For better or worse, I suppose I'm destined to never again feel those far-away heights, except in those moments when I allow my private thoughts to have their way.

Today's lesson? Cherish every color God brings you, even if it lacks the lustre and brilliance you covet. And don't be sad you'll never find what you seek, not if that treasure comes at the cost of your soul.

StevenK