A Driver's Education

I'm sixteen years old again.

If you listen to WABX regularly, or if you see me on Facebook and Twitter, you may have notice cryptic references to me not being able to drive. Now that it's all over, I can tell the story.

For the first time in years I have a driver's license. Yes, years. It's been since President Bush was in office. (Anyone care to guess which President Bush?) It cost me a lot of time and a shitload of money; two things which I do not have in abundance.

I now have the same anticipatory fear I had at sixteen. It's going to be a great relief, and kinda fun being able to get myself around again. I wonder if I'll ever be able to turn off that automatic reflex which has me looking over my shoulder.

I learned a lot. I learned some things I'm not particularly proud of. I learned that when push comes to shove, I can be a pirate, and a damn good one at that. Funny how your perception changes when you find yourself at odds with what's right. All those slippery pirate manuvers, distraction, deception, half-truths, and pointedly avoiding any chance of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Add a generous portion of pure luck, and enough cleverness to be able to make it eleven years here without ever having to have driven one of the conpany vehicles. The question only came up a couple of times. I responded truthfully, "I'd better not drive. I'm not on the company insurance." Totally true, just without explanation (see "half-truths," above.)

I also leaned some unpleasant things. In a bizarre twist, it's actually an advantage to cultivate this big clumsy ox image. It makes your bosses think you're unpresentable, so they don't send you to do personal appearances, where you'd have to drive. (Now y'all know why I never pushed the issue.) And I learned that aside from the thrill that comes from dodging the arrows, being an outsider is way overrated.

It started innocently enough; Missed the court date on a ticket. So I got my license suspended. Before I got things straightened out I was caught again. Same thing happened again, then again so I was caught in the cycle of being a repeat offender. Gets expensive. Reinstatement fees -- three hundred dollars per incident -- plus a jump in insurance rates almost as steep as the recent leaps in gas prices. Lawyers aren't cheap either, especially one willing to be enough of a friend to tell me to man up and get my head out of my ass before things got totally out of hand.

I'm not compaining about the financial and emotional toll it's taken. I'm not bragging about learning how devious I could be in the face of necessity. It is critical, though, in terms of putting my house back in order, to point out that this is a major step. It may be over-dramatic to say it, but I'm no longer breaking the law if I drive. As people younger than me say, just trying to keep it real. When I decided to bring my life onto this blog I knew I'd have to bring the warts and scars in order to do it justice.

My big regret is that it took so long. I wish I could have done this while Roxanne was alive. My inability to drive legally was a great barrier between us. At the same time I know that one reason I was able to do this is that I had no other choice. Without her to cover my back, I couldn't continue as things were. And the people in my life who helped me get straghtened out -- mainly Cathy and Lew, of whom I've often spoken -- only came back into my life since Roxanne's death.

Today's lesson? It's been quite an education. It's been quite an unwanted diversion. At the journey's end, I win. I have a driver's license. It doesn't make my heart heal any faster. It doesn't ease my feelings of guilt and regret. But it moves me one more step away from my pirate days, and one step closer to the man I hope someday to be.

StevenK