Year Three

The days that followed are blurry, but I remember that afternoon perfectly. Two years after the fact, it's still painful to recall. The phone call, the trip to the emergency room, the waiting, the conversation, the trip home, the obligatory phone calls. And late that night, the blog post which would become the foundation of LIFE 4.0.

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They say people deal with grief in different ways. If so, I suppose my method of coping is as good as any. How does one judge something like this? If success is judged by the ability to survive, grow and prosper, I'm sitting pretty well.

I wonder if Roxanne would have ever imagined I could last two years without her. The fact that I judge things by how she would perceive them should tell you how deeply she still lives in my heart.

I think she'd be proud of who I am today. I think she would be glad that I look to end each day as a better man than I was the day before. I think she'd enjoy reminding me that she was right when she repeatedly told me I would outlive her. I never believed it. Between my weight and my heart, I expected she'd be the one left on her own.

I think Roxanne would laugh at how unprepared I was to carry on without her. It would be a laugh of support, though; knowing now that I somehow got through, at least so far.

I think she would be glad I have surrounded myself with a few close friends. I think she'd be especially glad I have a best friend like Cathy, who always looks out for me in the way Roxanne did. Cathy and my other friends are special people.

I have come to lean on these friends, and have learned to depend on them. It has not been easy -- that's my fault, not theirs. It's been so hard to open up, because Roxanne and I kept such sparse company with others.

I think she'd shake her head at the idea of me wanting to fall in love again. And I'm certain she would grimace in frustration at how deeply I've been smitten by the woman whom I've referred to on this blog as Just Friends.

Roxanne would not be jealous that I am once again speaking of love. But, knowing how I always wore my heart on my sleeve -- and apparently, still do -- she would tell me to TCB and not let my need for love impede my day-to-day life. And I may find the being able to do just that will be my biggest challenge as year three of LIFE 4.0 begins.

I hope Roxanne would tell me to be strong. I learned strength from her, but I probably did not learn enough. Most importantly, she would tell me to find my way, not the way I think she would have chosen for me.

Today's lesson? Just as 2011, The Year of Rule Six, has worked out pretty well, perhaps year three of LIFE 4.0 will follow a similar unplanned path. I'm a big believer in serendipity. If I somehow stumble into the light, I'll smile and be thankful.

Dear Roxanne,

I hope you have found a place of blessing. I hope you are not lonely, except of course for the part of you that waits for me to join you. These two years have been the hardest and lonliest of my life. I do hope you're proud that I've embraced my new friends, and have come to revel in their company.

I hope you know how much of your memory and your spirit lives on in me. As you did in life, you bring inspiration to my every waking moment. Now I need that inspiration more than ever, as I try to move on, as my own man.

As I have decided to again jump into life, I have realized that my new life may be worth trying it with someone at my side. It may never happen. It may crash and burn. It may last the rest of my life. I have poured my heart out to you so many times wondering if I'm being disloyal to you.

No one could ever take your place, pila moya. There is not a breath I draw, not a beat of my heart that happens independent of you.

I wish you angels on your pillow, my cute and loveable honey. You've always understood me better than I have myself. Please smile at all the changes. Please dance when you feel my joy. As I find my own path through whatever time I have remaining, send me blessings. I need them.