Life 4.0

All about my strange new life, and the art of making it up as I go

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Time

   The Christmas season has been a real bitch this year. Especialy today. This would have been Roxanne's 59th birthday. I wonder how she would have approached turning this corner. I doubt that she would move gracefully into her sixties. She always said that she would be a rocker to the end, which she was. I miss that in-your-face defiance, and I always regret that of all the things I absorbed from Roxanne, her confidence was not among them.

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   I imagine we would have spent this birthday as we did many others, looking back over the year gone by, and smiling about the days to come, which we knew would be better. Like most couples, we thought there would be plenty of time. It didn't work out that way, but that's where faith comes into play.

   Perhaps I'm just raggy. Although the Year Of Rule Six has been a great year, it's ending with three disappointments.

  • I had hoped that by Christmas, I would have my house in the shape where I could have guests. I'm still a long way from that. I did put some things up for Christmas, at least. Aside from my wreath, I'd not decorated since Roxanne died.
  • My weight loss has stagnated; I suppose that's to be expected after the rapid advancements I'd made earlier in the year. I'm still shrinking, but at a slower rate.
  • I'm wondering if I made a serious misjudgement in falling so hard for Just Friends (as if I had any say in the situation.) I fell hard and deep, the way I do anything which arouses my interest. Maybe there are people who can make logical decisions about love. Not me. Things are fine, we're still great friends, but it's looking like that's where she and I will stay. Mark it as lukewarm. On the good side, we're still close. There are far worse things than having a good friend, especially as I have few really close friends. But it's really awkward --and honestly, more than a little sad -- knowing you've polished up your heart, and offered it to someone, only to have her say, "ehh, maybe later." I do realize that without this infatuation, I might not have gained the confidence and social fluency that, gradually, is becoming a part of who I am. So, I'm at a crossroads with her. She says to give it time.

   Time? Time is a tease. Give it time? How I wish that time was mine to give. To most of us, time seems infinite. That was what Roxanne and I used to think. In reality, time is infinite, but our personal share of that time is not.

   The hole that Roxanne's death left is healing, but oh, so slowly. It weighs on me, as her birthday comes so close to Christmas. Not having family locally, I can't hide in the trapping of the holiday. What the hell, I was on a roll with Thanksgiving, so I suppose if Christmas is less than outstanding, I can deal with it.


   Today's lesson? Never, EVER, assume there will be time. Act, while the moment is at hand. Joy is fleeting; regret lingers like stale smoke.

Is it dangerous that I still judge each step in terms of comparison to my life with Roxanne? It's perfectly understandable at this time of year. But I worry I'm using her memory as a crutch. I hope her legacy involves more than giving me an excuse to tiptoe through life. I want to run, singing loudly, eyes wide open, I want to revel in all that fate delivers, whether blissful or terrifying.

I want it all.

StevenK

2 comments:

  1. And you should have it all. The joy and heartache in life comes from finding and juggling the two. I hope you can find that peace.

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  2. So honest, loving, prolific and yes, honoring our Roxi...she and I are both Capricorns and we bitched about the holidays and presents and the intensity of the winter with our signs and holidays all at the same time. She was just a year older than me but seemed so much older and wiser. Your words, struggle and passions leave a lot to absorb. Life goes on, obl di, oh bla do.
    And,she's watching every move you make :)

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