Life 4.0

All about my strange new life, and the art of making it up as I go

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Dreams Come True? Hope Not

The Dream. I knew it would happen sooner or later. The Dream came. The one which seems so lifelike, it takes a few minutes for its reality to fade. The Dream came to me last night. And it returned, then returned again.

Three dreams in one night, each one so detailed, and so bizarre. I seldom even remember what I've dreamed. These I did. And after each one, sheer terror. I don't usually wake up scared three times in a year, but this triple whammy has knocked me for a loop.

Several characters appeared in my dreams, but only three were actual people I know, (1) my late wife Roxanne, (2) one of my co-workers, and (3) a professional acquaintance who has nothing to do with my career.

Third dream first. This dream was was the most boring one. Roxanne and I were deciding where to go grocery shopping. I was aware we'd not done this in some time, and I recall telling her how happy I was to have her accompany me again.

Rox was in the first dream as well, although all she did was sleep. It was set years ago in some alternate reality in which we had been apart for a long time, and did not maintain contact with each other. Our daughter was small; I remember thinking about her, even though she was not in the dream.

I had built a life with someone else -- I don't know who it was -- but traveled to see Roxanne because I wanted to reconnect. When I got into her house, all I did was watch her sleep for a while. As left, two old men on the porch told me that sleeping was how she spent her time nowadays.

After each of those dreams, I awoke terrorized, but excited and thankful that she was in my life again. As my head cleared, the truth returned to me.

The middle dream was the most involved. No need for a long explanation, suffice to say that my acquaintance had to deliver some devastating news to me through my co-worker. As a result, my financial life was in shambles and that some long-planned goals had to be abandoned. At least I was glad to awaken and find that this was indeed only a dream. But with this one as well, if was a few minutes before reality settled in.

I began LIFE 4.0 as an excercise the help me cope wth grief. I've tried to be accurate and honest, even when my thoughts are unpleasant. On occassion, I've panicked those around me by being frank about the possibility of failure, or death. Although I try to be positive and to lift myself up, I'd be less than honest to ignore this cannon fire ringing through my dreams, and to ignore the fact that it is happening at a time when I'm seriously having to re-assess the direction of my life.

Today's lesson? Things which don't happen are happening nonetheless. Something is changing. I hope I can ride it out.

1 comment:

  1. Sorry you had three dreams to make you wake up terrified! Maybe these dreams help your unconscious mind sort out the grief. Grief is huge, and it seems your grief has many layers. This is the first post of your blog I've read, so I'll try not to generalize.

    You're right that it would be dishonest to ignore the unpleasant, even the awful. I guess it's normal for others to be scared, but they'll have to get past that.

    Very cool blog. I'll be back to read more. In the meantime, hope you don't have to wake up terrified too often. :)

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