The Phone's Dead, Not Me

I threw quite a scare into some people yesterday. In addition, I received a strong reminder about how much I mean to one special person. It reinforces to me that even though I sometimes don't know where I'm heading, I am far from lost.

I did not come in to work on time. I did not answer the phone. My absence prompted some caution and some fear. For all my personal quirks, professionally, I am a rock. My responsibilities at WABX and our partner station WIKY are paramount in my life. For me to be missing, and unreachable... that's a scary scenario.

Trouble viewing on mobile? Click here

What happened was this: I managed to fall into such a deep sleep that I not only overslept work, but did not hear either the alarm or phone. This never happens. I have sleep apnea. Also, I take diuretics to expel the excess fluid which my heart produces. So I seldom sleep more than three or four hours without interruption. Yesterday I did. I went to bed at seven o'clock, and was still out of it at 5:30. Not to brag, but I'm very dependable. When I did not show up for work, it caused more than small bit of anxiety. Especially for my best friend Cathy. It fell to her to get the "we can't reach Steven" phone call. It's a call she's long dreaded.

Cathy and I talk about death more than most friends do. As I have frequently mentioned, I never expected Roxanne to die before me. Likewise, Cathy's father had not planned on having to carry on without her mother. Cathy's first husband died before he turned 40. The one good thing about the circumstances of my wife Roxanne's death is that I was not there when it happened. Had I been, I might have never been able to deal with it as calmly as I did.

What with my bad heart and significant obesity, Cathy knows she may well be the one to find me when my time comes. Add to this my fascination with death, along with the knowledge that I have spoken and blogged about thoughts of suicide. I know how Cathy must have worried while speeding to my house. I know she felt a great sense of relief when I sat up in bed with a shocked look. And I know, from the tight hug she greeted me with, how scared she had been. An hour later, her heart was still racing. Fear is a devastating emotion.

Today's lesson? It's nice to be loved. I have often mentioned my lack of success at romance. But that doesn't mean I'm unlucky in love. There are many degrees of affection. For all my complaining, and my contempt at being alone. I know as long as I have Cathy, I'll never be unloved. I am often luckier than I realize.

StevenK