This year on my birthday, I'm actually taking time to stop and smell the roses. And, as the lyric goes, it was a good year for the roses... even if it meant sifting through a lot of fertilizer. In some ways, I have grown quickly. In other ways, it's a bit slower. As I mark my second birthday since Roxanne's passing, I realize how blessed I am, how easily I bruise, and how bloodied I have become.
Blessings: I have grown more and accomplished more in any one year than I can remember since 1979. I've documented those successes in this blog, being able to legally drive, losing serious weight, restoring my will to live, igniting my desire for love, and many lesser things.
My friends who compose my inner circle are my salvation. They have motivated and sheltered me. They continue to do so. Likewise, by bosses and co-workers at WABX, WIKY and our South Central Media partners allow me to express myself honestly, roses and thorns alike, on the air, in social media, and on this blog.
Bruises: As my love of life has reappeared, it's become too easy to take things personally. A thick skin has never been part of my armor. I'm learning to grow one, but only through repeated episodes of being roughed up.
Due to the nature of the radio business, I have lost people I have come to depend on. My duality (see previous post) swings toward the negative pole more often than I'd like. Though I'm improving my health, I have had to force up to one casualty of time... I have begun walking with a cane.
I am responsible for the bruises of other people, for the scars and warts I have left on those I love most. I've tried to grow, but it's sometimes brought on a lot of emotional kicking and screaming. I've left some scarred earth in my wake. Thanks to the forgiving nature of my friends, I at least have burned few bridges.
Blood: The most challenging thing I've face has been falling short at my biggest gamble: being bold enough to romantically bare my soul, only to be shot down. Yes, over the last year, I have learned to reach for the stars. So far, I've failed every time. I am making little progress at what I hope wil.l someday be a love life. I must learn patience.
Professionally, I have often been excuded from things I've always been involved with at work. Compartmentalization and specification, I tell myself. But it could also be planned obsolesence.
Bloodiest of all, I bear an everpresent, terrifying thought. There is a loveless, unfulfilled sense of longing which overtakes me more often than I'd like. I can't help but wonder if this is how it's going to be from now on. Is the rest of my life just an extended glide with no new peaks? Still, I would not turn the clock back a year for anything. Maybe two years, just for another couple of weeks with my Roxanne. I would do that for a couple of days, for a couple of hours, even for the chance to hold her and whisper "In love you" in her ear.
Today's Lesson? I am miles from where I was last year at this time. Then, I was so mired in the present that I couldn't even think ahead. Today, I not only think ahead, I anticipate tomorrow. I can't wait to see where I will be a year from now.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
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Reach for the stars and failed??? I think not! Having the courage to even reach is a success! So many are paralyzed by the fear of failure, myself included. In fact, I just blogged about my 10k this weekend that helped me conquer that fear.
ReplyDeleteYou're NEVER a failure, friend =)
Wow! Excellent post! I agree with Missy: Having the courage to even reach is a success!
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the most moving posts you've written. You're quite the blogger!