This will be a short post. I have little to say, but I say it with glee, and with my head reverently bowed. As someone who lives a life of caution, I've waited several days to see if this is really happening, and I now believe it is.
I have turned the corner. The nightmares are still there. They've done their best to rattle me, and they still frighten me. But now when I awaken, they don't linger unwanted through the day like a hangover.
For months and months, I wandered the road between sanity and chaos, seeing nothing but dead ends at every junction. I would lie in bed half awake, maybe half alive , and ask myself "why should I get up and do something today? What is the point in living?" Despite my best efforts I was sinking. But slowly, so slowly that I could not even notice, I began to take hold. Yes, more often than not in recent weeks (and make no mistake, I've been keeping score), I ask the opposite question: "Why refuse to live? What is the point in not accomplishing something today?"
Curiously, this transformation didn't happen in a single moment of revelation, but crept along at a snail's pace. Not only did I not notice, I had accepted that I was sliding toward The Edge, and had steeled myyself for the imminent crash theat would mark the end of it all. It was when I actually began to give up and accept the inevitable disaster, I realized that the rules had vanished. Gravity fails, mountains move and instinct grips the wheel.
The Edge still filled the horizon, but I now knew that I didn't have to give up. Up until now, all the signposts on the road pointed toward disaster. But just in time, the road took a kind turn. I like to think it had responded to my resolution that this year would be one without rules (See Rule Six). I may have sped along The Edge, but I held my ground. Lo and behold, I had faced The Edge, and kicked its big bad ass... at least in Round One.
Maybe one day soon, I'll analyze why. But not just yet. I dare not disrupt the delicate balance that seems to be working in my favor. God be praised, and thanks be given to those around me who have patiently and lovingly helped me get this far.
Today's lesson: I can't say it better than Hunter S. Thompson...
I'm thankful that The Edge hasn't claimed me as a victim. But I know I came damned close. And now my mind is clear enough to know that I still am.
The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
StevenK
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