The Higher You Climb, The Farther You Fall

Thanksgiving was a little harder than I expected. Holidays are a wild card, I suppose. Usually, they're just another day, so that's what I suppose I'd come to expect.

Expectations don't always pan out.

I insisted on working a lot, partially because I had plenty of free time, partially for the practical reason that any activity would be a distraction. It's really hard to get some people to understand that I'd simply prefer to be by myself. I had one friend who spent the better part of a half hour the day before Thanksgiving going on and on about how awful it is that I'd not be with a big glob of people on Thanksgiving, holidays are for gathering, you don't need to be alone, blah, blah, blah.

This is no romantic thing... I'm light years away from being ready for anything like that. This is just someone who said she wants to help. Finally just to shut her up, I halfheartedly accepted her offer to being me a Thanksgiving plate. And then she never showed. I've not even heard from her since, and I honestly don't care. It rides my ass when people, even though they may mean well, project their value system onto you and expect you to respond emotionally in the same way they do.

So there it is. I trust one person, make one grudging step in the direction of normalcy, and get let down. I'll hold the football, Charlie Brown, and you come running up and kick it. Maybe that started the ball rolling. The nonstop Christmas music didn't help, nor did the bleak, dreary weather. So Thanksgiving night was not my finest hour. I've got to learn how to recognize the signs, and to be ready to take hold of myself. If my Roxanne is still with me -- as I believe she is -- then I'm only feeling sorry for myself as I wait for a lifeline... some familiar sight or sensation to latch on to.

Friday was much better. I got to see a few people I'd not seen in a while, people I really like and was anxious to spend some time with. So Friday was happy, anchored by an incredibly nice gesture from a couple of casual friends who did something nice for me for no reason beyond that fact that they wanted to do something nice. If you're reading this, I won't embarass you; you know who you are. And I am forever grateful for your kindness.

The road isn't getting smoother. I choose to interpret that as a sign that I must be climbing. The highs are getting higher, the lows are getting lower. I wish I knew if that's how it's supposed to be. If there's a road map to follow, I sure don't know where to find it.. I have no guide in walking this road. there's no one to tell me how I should be feeling and acting... and if how I actually am feeling and acting is healthy.

When I cry, I just cry. I don't stop to think about it. I don't worry about whether it's right or wrong, it's what I need to do. It's a way of coping, and when I'm done, I feel better. What scares me is that this could become addictive behavior. If you look at what I just wrote, it's the same thing people say to justify drinking, drugs, gambling, promiscuity, any number of intoxicating behaviors.

Again, I tell myself to focus on the good. I have learned to prepare for the things I know wil be painful. The moments of weakness come when I'm taken by surprise. More often than not, I'm able to deal with the situations which I expect to encounter. It's the ones that sneak up on me that bring me back to the starting line.