Year Two

It was not a gentle morning.

The new day greeted me with chills and chest pains. To someone with a bad heart, these are severe warning signs. But I am not afraid. Nor am I surprised. I expected them. I have known for some time that certain days will be especially difficult. This is one of them.

Day 366 of LIFE 4.0 begins as expected.

I am not a gambling man. But on the evening of Sepember 29, 2009, as wrote the words which would begin this blog, I would have wagered that I would not be here today to write this entry.

I am glad I underestimated myself.

One year ago this afternoon, I sat in the Deaconess Hopital emergency room and had the most difficult conversation of my life. As the news of Roxanne's death sank in through my numbness, I wondered what the world would be like from here on out.

The accepted wisdom is that anyone who suffers a major life change should wait a year before making any serious decisions. Time to mourn, to search the soul, time to get one's bearings. This time eventally ends, and the period of grace, as all things, passes on. I suppose this means I need to get my house in order. Yet, I find I'm not jumping to make those serious decisions, mostly because I feel pretty good about where I am.

So, just where am I?

I'm closer to my friends than before. I embrace them rather then just tolerate them, as I did during much of my life. It helps that the friends I have in Evansville and at South Central, are friends I treasure. I still often hide in the cave, but I'm getting better. I've mentioned Cathy and Lew before. They have been such a help to me, and have grown to be even more wonderful friends. I can't imagine this past year had they not been there.

I don't dream about Roxanne as often as I'd like. I did dreamed about her this morning, although the signficance of the dream escapes me.

I miss my daughter and my grandchildren. My daughter has matured so much herself in the last year. I've come to trust her counsel as much anyone's. She does know me better than anyone, after all. I wish I were not 1,500 miles away from them. My son-in-law lost his father a few weeks ago, and I know the things he's feeling. Maybe I could have helped.

There are serious things I must face. I can read the actuarial tables. Eighty percent of people in heart failure die within ten years. Roxanne made it seven. My clock started running in 2004. I have to be aware of this, but it can not dictate my decisions. Waiting to die is a pathetic way to exist.

Professionally, I am a dinosaur in a shrinking industry. I am valued and well thought of, but I have serious limitations. I lack the physical ability to do a lot outside the studio. Embracing new technology has been revealing, and honestly, has been a lot of fun. I hope the wonder of discovery continues to fascinate me for a long time.

Perhaps that last sentence is the most revealing of all. I do want to continue. For a while, I wondered if life on my own would be pointless. I now realize how selfish that was. My life interacts with others, and I do not want a legacy of people looking on in pity, saying "I wish I could have helped him." Please forgive my egotism.

So I made my mid-course correction. And now that I have found the strength to remove my head from my ass, I do have direction and purpose. That strength, and the desire to push on, may just be my biggest accomplishment.

Today's lesson? One day at a time really does work.

Dear Roxanne,

Wherever you are this morning, I hope your life is a blessed one, pila moya. I know my survival is due to your strength which has passed to me. I could not have held on for the past year without the things I learned from you. I hope you look upon me with pride. I struggle every single day, but in each of those days, I encounter so many reminders of your love.

You are as dear to me today as any day since we met. I ask the Lord for just enough wisdom to get by. Many warm fuzzies to you, my cute and loveable honey. I miss you..Please wait for me. I'll be right along as soon as I finish my tasks in this world.

StevenK