Life 4.0

All about my strange new life, and the art of making it up as I go

Monday, September 13, 2010

Happy Birthday To Whoever I Am Now

If you don't handle them properly, birthdays can really suck. Each year since I can remember, I would take inventory of where I am, what I've accomplished in the last year, and what I want to do in the coming year.

This year, I don't even know where to start. The easy way is to boil it down to the essence, but that would be dismissive to those who have been in my corner and given me strength over the last :

It would look something like this.

What I did this year: Thought I would die, but lived instead.

As I said, that's unfair to my friends and co-workers. I've taken great comfort in your support, although I haven't always mentioned it. Thanks for carrying me, and thanks for being there as I try to stand on my own more and more.

Okay, inventory: First, professional. I still have a job.That's saying something in today's economy and the current climate in broadcasting. In fact, in April, I marked my ten-year milestone with South Central Media.

And I don't just have a job, I have a job I love, with people I look forward to seeing every day. (Re-reading my "ten years" blog entry makes me aware of one one of the biggest losses in the last year. My friend and co-worker Linda Goebel, whom I mentioned in the same way I always referred to her, "the nicest person on the Hill," died six weeks after that post was written. God rest her soul.)

I hope I'm keeping pace with the advances in our field. There are so many new things we must do to prosper. Interactive media provides more chances than ever to expose and promote ourselves. Speaking of which I hope you're my Facebook friend and that you follow me on Twitter.

So I've become more accompished in social media, including continuing to post perodically on LIFE 4.0. This isn't the sort of blog where I jot down things every day or two. I will be more diligent in passing things on as I gradually wander further from the cave.

Personally, I remain more lost and more tearful than I'd like. I wonder what Roxanne would say to me. Not long ago, I dreamed I saw her crying. She's not the crying type. I've not slept well since that dream. Is she sad for me, or is she disappointed in me? Does she cry because she misses me? Is it because I don't miss her enough? Or is it that I miss her too much, so much that I'm not paying attention to things I need to do. It's a game of ping-pong which I've yet to be able to end.

On the other hand, I do see progress. I'm finally addressing some health problems after years of procrastination. I have grown even closer to my daughter, whom I 've seen make her own peace with her mother's death. I've reconnected with my friend Cathy, whom I've missed. It's a good thing I have her. She and her husband Lew have been of immense help getting me around while I can't drive due to these wrappings on my feet.

Cathy is so much more than a friend, she's been a lifeline. She helps look after me and has been wrapping my legs on the days I don't have it done at the hospital. Ask someone to give you a two-hour chunk of her day, and lots of folks would fire up the excuse generator. Not her. She's that rarest of people, a true friend.

I've managed to remain somewhat sane -- though I still sing and cry with my stuffed piggy -- through the saddest year of my life. I have new friends. Sadly, I also have new feelings about some whom I considered long time friends. We're talking dozens of years, thick and thin -- or so I thought.

I've prayed for strength to forgive you. And I have forgiven you because I have enough serious things to deal with. I don't need any more baggage.

But unpleaseant as it may be, I want to purge this from myself once and for all. Dear reader, thank you for your indulgence.

In my most honest place, what I would say to you is this: You never called nor sent a sympathy note when my Roxanne died. I've recieved nothing, not even a Christmas card. Your abscence in my life puzzles me. I feel hurt, not to mention betrayed.

I now have a new reason to live, namely the hope that you die before me so that I can tell your grieving family what an asshole you were. Yes, that's an evil thought. I don't apologize for it. At least I'm thinking of you, even though I'm filled with spite. You showed me I was not deserving of even a thought. So fuck you. As of this moment, I wash my hands of you and the stain you brought to my soul. You are not worth the effort it takes to despise you. Roxanne used to say that the opposite of love is not hate; the opposite of love is indifference. Amen to that.

Today's lesson? Inventory complete. All in all, I'm not delighted, but I'm satisfied. I made it this far, perhaps by the skin of my teeth, but I'm still here. And I try harder than ever to bide my time until God is ready for me. I thank Him for His mercy, and I thank you for continuing to check on me through this past year. LIFE 4.0, both the blog, and the life itself, is still rocking.

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