A Good Time To Be Scared

It's a good time to be scared. Which is convenient, because I'm scared as hell.

It's hot. Medically, that's dangerous for me. I just don't function well in the heat. I've mentioned on the air as well as on Twitter and Facebook about the therapy I'm having done on my legs. Want to see my oh-so-unsexy legs? Here you are. I should have had this done this a year ago. I'm glad to be doing it, but in the words of my friend, it's consuming my life. It requires two to three hours every day, on top of everything else I have going on.

The emotional toll is substantial as well. My new routine brings me alongside cold truth, and face to face with my own mortality. Everyone knows that as someone gets older, the choices in life become more and more limited. To personalize it, I'm forced to confront that knowledge every day. This brings on a whole new level of anxiety.

As much as I I look for the good in everything, I have to face some facts. Most people who try to do what I'm doing don't don't succeed.

I hope I can beat the odds. I like to think I can, but reality can be a difficult companion. When it pushes me beyond my level of tolerance, I lose whatever it is that allows me to keep a brave face.

It might help to have someone to open up to. The few close friends I have can't help with this, because these things which hurt me so deeply also cause pain to the people who care about me. I can only ease my mind by bringing them down to my level of misery. If I'm totally frank, the things I say will hurt people. I would tell them that their love and friendship is still not enough to pull me out of the fire.

Honestly, how can you look in the face of someone who cares about you and speak the honest truth? I long for someone without an agenda, someone who supports me, but has enough detachment not to hurt. The irony is that the closer you get to someone, the less help you are in those times when they really need counsel. As a friend, you'll try to spare them pain, even if pain is exactly what they need.

At least I sleep well, if only because at the end of the day, I'm ready to drop. But you know, it feel nice to be so busy. It's like there's a purpose to the tings I'm I'm doing, and a practical goal in sight. It's a positive change from emotionally circling the wagons like I've been doing for so long. In time I'll learn to should the extra burden. I only hope I can last that long.

Today's lesson? Pain is there for a reason. Sometimes, it's exactly what we need to sustain us, to enable us to grow Growth comes with obstacles. It's why they call it "growing pains." Moving through life, even through LIFE 4.0 -- maybe especially through LIFE 4.0 -- comes only at the cost of sacrificing one's comfort zone.
StevenK