Year Five

What a strange time.

Where do I find myself as Year Five dawns? My life has changed so much in the last few months. I'm so lost, and I've been spending so much time in the dark place, feeling alone.

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Moving into the news department was exciting, difficult, degrading, and exhilarating. As enthused as I am, I'm working with unfamiliar procedures, and new people. I've lost one good friend in that department who was victim to downsizing. I have little contact with the people I worked with for years as Delilah producer on WIKY and night announcer on WABX. Most frustrating, I lose the satisfaction that comes from a job well done. On the air as a DJ, and as a producer, I know I'm good. In the newsroom, I'm the weakest link. That's not a complaint, but is does dishearten me.

I've lost my other anchor points, too. I finally gave up on Just Friends. Even I know when I should ease off. It broke my heart to toss that dream aside, not to mention leaving me emotionally impotent. Fuck it, I need a friend more than a lover, and heartbreak aside, she is a great friend. Even Cathy, who is the best friend I've ever had, has become scarce. The demands of her family and her job have left her no free time. She's always there when I need her, but it's not fair to her for me to always ask. She means far too much to me, and I am far too indebted to her, to ever be upset. But the fact remains, that due to the demands of life, things we all have to deal with, she's unable to be there, and I miss her.

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I'm learning to be alone, and to deal with it. All the things I've used for stability and balance have fallen away from me. My confidence in my professional abilities, my determination to find love, the companionship and devotion of the people I'm closest to. I understand nothing is permanent. Maybe these things are just moving aside in order for others to fall into place.

There are so many new roads ahead for me. For the first time since Roxanne's death, I'm starting a new enterprise without her guidance. I need it. But I hope I can survive without it. I believe I know what she'd say to me in just about any instance. Even the fact that I've made it to today, made it through four years without her... I'd have never thought that was possible. As I've said many times, I'll be along when I finish my earthly tasks. The difference is that now, I have so many new tasks. So many new challenges, both personally and professionally. It's a burden on my time, and a burden on my soul. Odd as it may sound, I'm not offended by the distraction. It's made it easier to cope with late September, which is the red zone to my dark time.

But there's another difference. To be blunt, I really want to live. I lost that fire for a while, along with all the other things I've crutched on to keep going. To defend myself, it's understandable. In the process of losing so much this year, I came to the realization that I no longer am a person of significance. My efforts are fruitless, my opinions are dismissed as inconsequential.

As I start Year Five, I have come to realize that I, and only I, am responsible for finding the motivation to keep moving forward. And with that enlightenment, the duality of the Southern thing again rises to confront me. It's a difficult moment when you take off the rose-colored glasses, and look honestly at your surroundings. I may realize that I was wrong to think that many of the things I lean on are essential to my survival. And if they indeed are not necessities, but only indulgences, it becomes hard to look past their shortcomings. It's easy to forgive and make allowances when you know you life would be unbearable if you didn't. It's not as easy when you begin to wonder whether life would be better if you just cut your losses.

Today's lesson? As I note the start of my fifth year on my own, I find that I am truly on my own. That's all I need to say.

Dear Roxanne,

I miss you so much. I hope you have all the happiness and love that we've been taught awaits us when we reach the next life. Find your light and find your peace, pila moya. And look in on me when you can. I'm going to be counting on you an awful lot.

This is not going to be easy. And it shouldn't be easy. I want it to be hard, so I can call on all my skill, and all the things you taught me, and all the things we learned together. I'm running down this new road, looking around frantically to find you. I know you're there, even if you escape my sight.

I'll make you proud of me, as you always have been. All those new things I'm going to learn, all the mistakes I'm going to make, they're going to haunt me longer, because you won't be there to restore my faith in myself. All those new things I'm going to learn, I won't be able to share them with you just yet. But I will, one day. Until then, warm fuzzies and big smiles. Please stay by my side. I have work to do.

StevenK